Potions, Poems and Present-Day Problems
by The Weasley Twinettes
Summary: Fred and George are at it again, this time with stealing Moste Potente Potions, trying on girls' undergarments, breaking down doors, and discovering ancestors that might be more exciting than they thought. Dumbledore's office, a chat with the fat lady, an
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Hello all

Potions, Poems, & Problems

A/N: Hello all! This is our second fic, full of insanity (as usual) and hopefully, it will make you laugh. Many things happened during the writing of this fic. Abby (Twinette #1) ate too much sugar and Dragonwings (Twinette #2) fell asleep and was breathing so weirdly that Abby had to shake her awake. Gee, I'm sure you really wanted to know that, didn't you? ::evil laugh:: Anyhow, we'll let you get to reading. This is simply the first chapter, but be warned, more chapters will appear later. It does not seem at this moment that there will be more than two or three chapters in this entire series.

It was a typical day at Hogwarts School of Magic. Things were exploding, people were shouting, and the Weasley Twins were up to no good. It wasn't as if they were doing anything particularly terrible. 

Of course, nothing could match the time in their second year that Snape had come to visit McGonagall during transfiguration. The pair was working on transfiguring a sock into a snake, and they thought it would be 

interesting to see their least favorite Professor's sock turn into as snake as well. Of course, they accidentally missed his socks and hit his pants. Fred and George learned more than they ever wanted to about their potions professor… who knew that Snape loved tabby cats enough to charm dancing ones onto his briefs? 

However normal this little task seemed, their next adventure was going to turn out to be anything but typical, as the duo would soon discover.

They had recently discovered that Hermione had checked out the book, "Moste Potente Potions" and had done what anyone would have done: stole it. It was not easy. "George, how are we going to get into the girls' rooms? More importantly, how are we going to get the ingredients for these potions once we get the book?" 

"My dear brother, you doubt our superior intellengence and our quick wit? If you will remember we have broken into nearly everything this school has to offer and then some. We have also snuck into the girls' dorms before." 

"Yeah, but McGonagall caught us and it didn't help that you were holding Cho's bra and that other girl's panties that you had tried on not once, but twice!" 

"Has the wrath of McGonagall finally caught up to you? Are you seriously thinking of giving up an opportunity like this just because of an over-stuffed shrew in tights with a bun and glasses thicker that the Earth's crust who also has a stick shoved so far up her bum it could be used for a lightening rod?"

"Dear brother, forgive me. I have sinned against thy grand will. Bless our father and hail Mary!"

Suddenly, their chat was interrupted quite rudely by none other than Professor Flitwick, walking casually down the corridor. "Oh, m'dear boys, good to hear you finally learning some respect for religion. Yes, hail Mary, full of grace!" The merry professor continued walking, humming an old church hymn and chuckling to himself. George and Fred burst into laughter the moment the old little man was out of their superficially innocent gazes.

"Back to the plan," Fred continued.

"Yes, back to the plan. As I was saying, since it 'twas I who dared to doubt our genius, I shall volunteer to venture into the dark depths of the fifth year girls' dorm," George replied with a slight bow.

"Nay, my dear brother. We shall go together as one in the name of mischief, trouble, and all that is not so very nice!" Fred said as he headed to the Gryffindor common room with George right behind him

"I've got dibs on Lavender's bra and panties!"

"What is it with you and ladies' undergarments?" Asked Fred, quite amused.

"I don't know, I simply find them interesting. Don't you?"

"I guess."

And with that, they headed off toward the Gryffindor common room, grinning in silence and walking with a new determination. Anyone who had passed them would have been able to tell by the looks on their faces that they were definitely up to something, but seeing as no one passed by, everything was safe. 

Finally, they reached the portrait hole and whispered the password, "skcih skcits dna ylgu skcihc" and clambered exictedly into their common room, the room they had created so many memories in over the better part of their lives. Who could forget the day they hung the chicken from the ceiling? Whispering as if they were mere children on a playdate, their plans developed from cunning to, well, really cunning. In fact, they doubted if perhaps they were actually Slytherins at heart… nah. Scratch that thought. 

Heading straight to the famed spiral staircase where they'd acted out "Romeo and Juliet" so many times with unsuspecting first years, they were grinning from ear to ear and laughing like the maniacs they were. The looming door with the sign "5th Year Girls" stood before them.

"Dare we?" Fred questioned.

"Yes, dear brother, we do."

"All right, George, but no trying on undergarments. We're just here to get the book and leave."

"Fine." George said disappointedly.

Pushing open the door, they were astonished at the sight that lay before them. It was not what they'd expected. 

What they had in mind was an empty room just like the boys' rooms. What they got was a room full of girls…changing. 

They never knew how much girls could cuss, scream, and yell until that moment. They also did not take into consideration all the heavy, blunt objects in their room ready for throwing.

"Fred, are you fascinated with girls' undergarments now?" George inquired.

"Yes." Fred replied bluntly, and before any more damage could be done, both of them ran deftly out of the room, slamming the door behind them and resting their hands on their knees, gasping for breath. 

"Well, that didn't work, did it?" It was more of a rhetorical question than an actual question. Therefore, George didn't answer. There had to be another way to get that book… there simply had to be. 

"I've got it!" George cried. "I saw the book on Hermione's nightstand." He spoke as if he were a genius.

"So?" Fred asked. "Big deal."

"No, you don't get it… we can use the 'accio' charm to get it! We'll just wait until the door opens and then - zip – "accio Moste Potente Potions!"… it'll be right in our hands!" This was the wrong thing to say. Just as George cried out for the book, it came sailing straight through the wooden door, leaving it completely splintered and useless, stirring up dust as it collapsed onto the floor after dangling for a few seconds by one brass hinge. Fred and George smacked their heads fretfully at the same time, and Fred quickly grabbed the book before motioning quietly to his brother. The screams of the girls could be heard more loudly than ever, and both twins resisted the sudden urge to take one quick peep in the busted door frame before bolting clumsily into their seventh year dorm rooms. 

"So, what shall we try first? A love potion, perhaps?" Fred whispered once they were safely in their room.

"Nah, too predictable. What about a Polyjuice potion?" George resoponded.

Fred didn't have time to answer, for at that moment they heard a voice that spelled doom for them both:

"FREDERICK! GREGORY! GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!" Ah, the voice of McGonagall.

The Twins quickly slunk down to where McGonagall was. They knew if they tried to avoid punishment, it would just be worse. Kind of like the time they posted fake pictures of McGonagall and Snape having a little, 'private time'. Who knew posting pictures of your teachers snogging on the sofa could get you a month's worth of detentions per kissing professsor? When they got to the scene of the crime, McGonagall's lips were microscopically thin and her face was redder than any tomato they had ever seen (or hurled at the first years during their broom riding lessons). 

"Boys, I am very disappointed in you." Her eyes were narrowed in annoyance and disgust. "I don't know what you think you were doing, but as you know, rule 571 of the Hogwarts Code clearly states on page 28679 section K paragraph 3, that "students of the opposite sex are not allowed in each other's dorms!" This is cause for your immediate removal from school premises. Did you know that? DID YOU KNOW THAT?" Steam seemed to issue from the very head of the professor as she fumed angrily. However, it was apparent that a hint of a smile was twitching amongst her thin-pressed lips.

"Professor?" George asked innocently. "Have you ever considered trying out for the annual Creative Tea Boiling contest down in Hogsmeade? You could "use your head" and win a prize, both literally and figuratively!"

This really did it. Fred and George were cordially escorted by the angered professor straight towards the evil place that could only be known as… dun dun dun… THE OFFICE.

"My dear brother," Fred whispered to George, "I do believe we are officially screwed."

"At least we have the book."

"The book won't do us any good against the all out wrath of mum."

"Maybe there's a potion in there that can erase your memory." George suggested.

"I can see that now, 'Mum, we weren't thrown out of Hogwarts in disgrace! That's just your imagination. We're home because we missed you. Don't worry, those people who are laughing at you, mainly Malfoy, were just hit with a giggling charm. Nothing is wrong at all.'" Fred replied as he rolled his eyes.

"Well, you don't have to get snippy with me."

"Speaking of snippy, there's the office…" Fred whispered.

"What does that have to do with being snippy?" George inquired.

"I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to say."

And that was that. They walked along in complete and utter silence, and not a single word would escape their lips from now until eternity as far as they were concerned, seeing as their mother would probably come to Hogwarts and murder them in their sleep for disgracing the family. 

Professor McGonagall mumbled the password into Dumbledore's office and sudddenly our two favorite heroes found themselves being ushered up the stairs and into the circular room for about the millionth time in their lives. They kept their heads looking downward, and whether it was a sign of repspect toward their professors or an act of severe embarassment, the world may never know. Most likely, it was simply the fact that there were scattered detention slips all over the floor, and most of them had their name on it… there were some from their first year, even… and they found it amusing and comforting to read off all the reasons why they had been put down in the dungeons to scrub cauldrons or up in the astronomy tower to clean telescope lenses. 

"Ah, Professor Professor McGonagall. Lovely to see you… and hello, Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley." As he said each 'Mr. Weasley' he gave each boy a curt nod. It was difficult to tell whether he was angry or not. Professor McGonagall began speaking.

"Headmaster, these two boys have just…" She began angrily, but was cut off by Dumbledore.

"Yes, I know, and all that I ask is that the book be returned to it's rightful owners." There was a hint of a gleam in his eye as he said this. McGonagall looked at him sternly.

"What book?" She interrogated.

"Why, the book they stole from the girls. That **was** the reason that they wanted in the dorms in the first place! My dear Minerva, what did you think they'd done?"

Professor McGonagall's cheeks flushed, and she opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.

"Never mind. I don't want to know what you thought they were going to do." Dumbledore smiled his usual all-knowing smile, then looked over to the Professor who still held the boys captive by clutching their wrists possessively and waiting for something more to be said. "You can let go of them now, Minerva. They're not prisoners."

Fred and George exchanged glances once they were released. Surely they would receive more punishment than this… and whatever it was, it was bound to be terrible.

Dumbledore was about to say that the two "felons" could go, but a look from McGonagall told him that more punishing needed to be done, so he said, "And the two of you will also be expected in my office tomorrow, Sunday, at 7:00 PM for a detention to last until 10:30 PM. That will be all, you two may go back to your rooms now. May I emphasize that they be _your _rooms, not anyone else's."

With that, George and Fred turned around and abruptly trotted back down the stairs from which they'd came, leaving their professors behind them before any more punishments could be given. They exhaled at the exact same time, and as twins tend to do, they both whispered, "Wow. We got off easily." Grinning to themselves, they continued walking back to the Gryffindor common room. 

When they reached it, they said the password, jumped inside the portrait hole after a quick chat with the fat lady ("How did you get so fat?" "Does it bother you being called the Fat Lady?" "Have you ever heard of Jenny Craig?"), and ran straight back to their dormitory. Once they were sitting on their beds, they began to talk.

"The detention is no problem," Fred implied warily, "but the book…"

"Yeah." George replied as his brother's sentence trailed off. "Dumbledore said that we must return it to it's rightful owner."

Now it was Fred's turn to contradict. "Correction, brother dearest. He said to return it to it's rightful _owners_. Plural."

"So? That just means that there is more than one owner."

"But if you think about it, we can either return it to Madam Pince or Hermione. Those are two completely separate people. We cannot return the book to both of them, so there must be some other owners. Two other owners… wait, two owners…" Fred's eyes widened. "George, let me see that book." 

George tossed the leather bound potions book to his brother. The cover was a deep scarlet with silver bindings, an unusual combination, as most library books were either scarlet with gold, or green with silver. Apparently, this book was special. 

Fred caught the book with two hands, reading the cover. It read, of course, "Moste Potente Potions" but the author's name was scratched out, probably long ago. Flipping to one of the back pages that, in a normal book, would be blank … but in this book, there was something written on those pages. Fred read it aloud.

__

Two Slytherins we are

Cunning, deceptive by far

We always know what mischief is best

But now we both are laid to rest

Someday our descendants will come to find

This lovely book, it's one of a kind

When they receive it, Disaster will strike

Doors fall down, women scream… the like

Though bravery, not evill, will be more prudent

These two will forever be our students

Family lines will again be traced

Let this book ne'er be misplaced

And all hell will be raised

When they come to find our book.

The two gasped, but it was Fred who was first to speak. "D'you… d'you remember what mum told us long ago as new first years when we asked her what house she thought we would be in?"

"Yeah, she told us we'd be in Gryffindor." George said, unimpressed.

"No, she mumbled something after that…"

"Something about how we did have two Slytherin ancestors who were mischief-making twins, but…" Realization dawned. "WE HAD TWO SLYTHERIN MISCHIEF-MAKING TWIN ANCESTORS!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Ssh, quiet, people will come running up here if we're too loud!" Fred warned.

"Sorry."

"'S okay. And they're certainly dead, so that explains the next first of the poem.

"And the next says something about their descendants finding the book." George piped up excitedly, smiling to himself.

"Yes, and it is rather lovely." Fred exclaimed. George rolled his eyes. "But the next bit is what makes me so suspicious… about disaster striking, girls screaming, and doors falling down."

"Do you think…" George paused.

"I don't know what to think, brother."

"I think it's pretty clear who the rightful owners of this book are. It needs to be given to two mischief makers, who are cunning, joking, brave and… frankly, I believe the rightful owners are us." He stated matter-of-factly.

It appeared that the twins had more than just the Marauders to look up to after all.

A/N: You like? No? Yes? Well then, why don't you let us know by reviewing? We love reviews, but we won't beg. Constructive criticism is, of course, always welcome. Thank you for reading our insane fic, and if you made it this far, then heck, you deserve an award. For those of you who yelled at us in our last fic, Hicks, Sticks and Ugly Chicks, for making fun of hick-like people, we have something to say to you. WE ARE TEXANS! WE ARE HICKS (Sort Of)! So there! Heehee. 

Disclaimer: We do not own Fred, George, Hogwarts, etc. but we do own the personalities we created for them. Who knew that George would be so obsessed with underwear and that George would actually be smart enough to look up a poem? We also own the idea for the mischief they're creating, and all the mentions of past torture they'd inflicted on the unsuspecting school, the idea that they had cunning Slytherin twin ancestors, and the poem in the back of Moste Potente Potions… Most Potent Potions… J . 

Final A/N: Thank you again for reading, and please do R/R. 


	2. Chapter Dos! (Two!)

Potions, Poems, and Present-Day Problems, Chapter Dos (Two)   
Subtitled: The Hidden Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny   


******************************************************************************

A/N: We're back, with the second chapter. I'm sure you're positively   
delighted. I believe we've just won ourselves the award for the Longest   
Subtitle in Fanfiction History. Thanks to all who reviewed our last little   
installment, you were very encouraging. Y'all rock! You know, we've been   
listening to a lot of music while writing this… including Bon Jovi and Lady   
Marmalade (Pink, Lil Kim, Maya, Cristina Aguilera.) It was all very   
inspiring, especially while writing at 1:00 AM. We are insane. We realize   
that. You do not have to tell us. J   
  
Hey man, it's a been awhile   
Do you remember me?   
I hit these streets when I was seventeen   
A little wild a little green   
Been up and down and in between   
But all these years and miles and memories   
I'm still chasin' dreams   
But I ain't looking over my shoulder…   
  
- Older, Bon Jovi (our anthem)   


******************************************************************************  
  
Where we left off last time: "It appeared the twins had more to look up to than just the marauders after all."   
  
******************************************************************************  
"Er, George?" Fred asked.   
"Yes?"   
"I think we have a slight problem." Fred looked significantly worried,   
his brow furrowed deeply towards his blue eyes. 

"What would that be? We're practically out of trouble… except for that   
detention. But no matter, Fred, what's our problem?" George replied.

The twins had been talking for nearly an hour, reminiscing about the days   
of old, the good old days when pranks were plentiful and times weren't as   
rough. Fred remembered the time in their fourth year that they set the   
Plimpies loose on the school. Professor Sprout hadn't been able to sit down   
for a week… having a plimpy attached to your bum doesn't make for a   
comfortable seat! However, it now seemed that there was an important problem   
to address. Always the intelligent one, Fred began to explain with a   
contemptuous look on his face.   
"Well, we've stolen the book, gotten of trouble, talked a lot and   
supposedly 'discovered our destiny'-" here both twins had a good laugh and   
rolled their eyes "- but now what? I mean, why did we get the book in the   
first place? And is there something special we need to accomplish now that   
we've discovered we have ancestors who've probably been dead for a thousand   
years that are exactly like us?"   
"Good point."   
They sat in silence, thinking of ways to use the book.   
"We could practice our posture and balance it on our heads." George   
suggested simply.   
Not having any other ideas, Fred complied. "All right." So they each took turns for over half an hour, balancing the old book upon their heads and wobbily walking across the room. During George's turn, Fred commented, "Okay, this is getting boring. And you're starting to walk   
like a duck."   
George rolled his eyes. "Quack." Fred jumped off his bed, rushed across the room and snatched the book off his twin's head, and both of them were knocked to the floor, completely breathless and winded.   
"Well," George suggested, "why don't we look in the book?"   
"Are you sure this one won't scream, or bite, or demand that we go buy   
them a six-pack like the last one did?"   
"Fred." George whispered. "The book didn't ask for a six-pack."   
"Then who did?" Fred asked incredulously.   
"That was me. I really wanted to know what it tasted like so I used my   
superior ventriloquism skills to make it sound like the book said that."   
"Then what did you do with the six pack once I gave it to you?"   
"I drank it." George stated, as if it were obvious.   
"Oh, that's why you started making out with that lamppost…"   
"Yeah." George said. "Exactly. Okay, open the book Mr. Genius."   
"Thanks for the compliment!" Said Fred sincerely.   
"Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?" George rolled his eyes, then   
eyed the book in his brother's hands. "Come on, open it!"   
"Fine." Fred took one look at the book before ripping it open. He was   
expecting a sword to chop his head off, for a banshee to swallow his brother   
whole (he crossed his fingers hopefully at that one), or at least a blinding   
flash of light, but nothing happened. How typical. This book belonged to his  
ancestors, the ones who were pranksters just like them! Fred felt quite   
ripped off.   


****************************************************************************************************************

At that moment, Harry and Hermione were on the couch in the Gryffindor   
common room snogging like there was no tomorrow. Suddenly, Hermione's hair   
turned bright blue and Harry developed a severe case of amnesia.   
"Who are you?" Harry asked, breaking away from the kiss.   
"What?" Hermione ran her fingers through her hair, suddenly realizing   
that it was an unruly shade of blue.   
So much for nothing happening when the book opened… 

  
****************************************************************************************************************

  
"Well then…" George trailed off. "I guess we should figure out what to do   
with the book now."   
"Hmm…" Fred said sarcastically. "It's a potions book, so maybe we should   
try to grow something! Or, transfigure something!"   
"No, dummy, potions books are used for making potions…"   
"Now it's my turn to say it: don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?"   
Both boys harrumphed.   
"Oh. Okay, then, let's look at a potion." Flipping through the book, Fred read the first potion. "Invisibility potion. Typical. I could've guessed that as a first year."   
They spent several hours skimming the tomes of pages in the newfound book that was apparently theirs. George spent half an hour staring at a veela, and Fred eventually had to pull the poor boy away from it, and would've spanked him or yelled at him or told him to go sit in the corner like their mum would've, but it struck him that it was now 7:00 PM, and they needed to go to their detention in Dumbledore's office. When they got to his office, there was a note on the gargoyle:   
  
To Fred and George Weasley, 

  
I'm afraid I had an emergency that required my immediate attention (they   
needed someone to test the newset flavour of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour   
Beans…) and I will not be able to supervise your detention this afternoon.   
Professor Snape has ever so kindly volunteered to allow you to serve it with   
him. Please report to his office as soon as you get this note. Thanks!   


- Headmaster Dumbledore 

  
"Oh no," Fred groaned.   
"Why are you groaning? You got your name first on the letter!"   
George fussed.   
"I'm not groaning because of a stupid thing like that! I'm upset because   
we have to serve our detention with Snape!"   
"Oh…"   
"Wait! If we're in Snape's office, then we can get the potion supplies!"   
"Yeah, if he happens to look away from us for an entire ten minutes…"   
"That's where I come in. I'll cause a distraction and you steal the   
supplies!"   
"Perfect!"   
"I would think serving a detention would be less than perfect, don't you   
agree boys?"   
Both twins spun around and saw Snape standing behind them with an evil   
glint in his black eyes. A sinister twisted grin was on his face and both   
twins knew that meant he had something awful planned for them. Most likely   
they would be scrubbing out barrels of dragon boogers or picking bezoars out   
of dead goats for the first years. They followed in silence as Snape led them   
down to his dungeons.   
"You will be skinning Erumpents then separating the tails, horns, hide,   
and the sac of venom within their horns. It causes things to explode and if   
one thing explodes in this room, you will both have a week's worth of   
detentions! Get started. The carcasses are over there. They will all be   
completely finished before you leave," Snape instructed. He then handed them   
both a dull plastic knife and sat back to watch.   
"Get ready to steal the supplies, George," Fred whispered as he tried in   
vain to cut into the carcass. Unknown to Snape, Fred had his hand on the horn   
and was ready to poke it into another carcass's … lower abdominal region.   
George had his hand on another horn preparing to do the same thing.   
"On the count of five…" Fred whispered.   
"One…"   
"Two…"   
"FIVE!" George shouted as they plunged the horns into the other carcasses   
on cue. Blood, guts, and other things you will only learn about in anatomy   
class splattered everywhere. George heard Snape shouting loudly, but ignored him. Fred kept   
shoving horns up "lower abdomen regions" as Snape kept swearing   
and going ballistic. George shoved as many ingredients in his robes as would   
fit, including some innards of Erumpents plus their horns (exploding liquid   
included). Both twins rushed out of the dungeons with Snape hot on their   
heels. They barely lost him when they escaped into the girls' bathroom where   
Moaning Myrtle was sobbing and flooding the floor.   
"Why are you here? You aren't girls." She demanded.   
"We are too girls! We've just been hit with this awful curse that changed   
us into boys and we are so ashamed we can't go to Madam Pomfrey!" Fred wailed   
in the highest pitched voice he could muster.   
"Yeah, we can't bear it, so we're going to wait in here untill it wears   
off," George added with a fake sob. Myrtle eyed them suspiciously, then   
retreated into her stall.   
"Genius, Fred!" George whispered as they hurried to the stall closest to   
the door.   
"Thanks. Did you get all the supplies?" Fred asked.   
"Yup. All in my robes."   
"I can tell," Fred said as he poked George's bulging clothes, laden with   
ingredients for their potions. "You look like an over-eating hippopotamus.   
Too bad Cho can't see you now…"   
George blushed furiously. "I don't like Cho! And besides, if we're girls,   
that would be wrong. I'd much rather have you."   
"What?!?"   
"Well, no, wait… you're a girl too, I forgot. Okay, then, Draco."   
"WHAT!?!" Fred screamed at the top of his lungs.   
"You said we were girls." George said this as if it was something he said   
every day, he wasn't even smiling as he usually did when he played a joke.   
"I was lying, you prat! Now take back those words you said and tell me   
you didn't mean them."   
"But that would be a lie."   
"Oh, God. Just drop it." That was all George heard, but if he'd listened   
more closely, he would have heard Fred mutter, "My brother…my twin…" But George, being the   
complete and total idiot that he usually was, didn't care to listen long enough.   
"Fine." George said. "Where should we go to make the potions? I'll get   
the book!" He cried. "Accio Moste Potente Potions!"   
"Oh, NO!" Fred slumped to the floor in an unsuccessful effort to detain   
his brother from summoning the book. He could hear the sound of ancient   
parchment rippling through the air, the clatter of heavy metal objects being   
dented, and a swarm of owls being hastily de-feathered by the whipping wind   
of the book. And just for the sake of tradition, several doors collapsed, not   
to mention the screaming girls…   
George raised his hands in triumph, the age-old book clutched in his   
hands. "I did it!" He cheered. "I did it!"   
"Don't repeat yourself. It's annoying. It doesn't matter what you did   
either, because we're in so much trouble that nothing can save us now." Fred   
retorted with an air of superiority.   
"You think you're so great, don't you?" George laughed. "Well, this time,   
it is I, Gregory Frederick Weasley, not you, Frederick Gregory Weasley, who   
will have the last laugh. You are right, nothing can save us now… nothing but   
a potion!"   
Fred sighed resignedly. It was true, his twin did have a point. There was   
bound to be something in that huge book of theirs that could save their sorry   
bums. "All right, then, where should we go to prepare the potion? You know,   
everyone always assumes that there is some secret passage somewhere hidden   
within Hogwarts concealed by a loose brick that was created by the Marauders   
that you or I or Harry, Hermione and Ron will someday find and follow in   
their footsteps, then realize their ultimate destiny. Personally, I think   
it's a corny idea."   
"Dear brother, it would be rather corny, except for one thing. Er, there   
IS a secret passageway concealed within Hogwarts hidden by a loose brick that   
the Marauders created that you or I or Harry, Hermione and Ron will someday   
find, follow in their footsteps, and realize their ultimate destiny. It's   
right over there."   
Fred said simply, "Ack."   
The twins walked to the other side of the hallway, and George tugged a   
loose brick to reveal the famed Hidden Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts   
Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George, Harry,   
Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps, Then   
Discover Their Ultimate Destiny.   
"Wow…" George breathed. "It's the Hidden Passageway Concealed Within   
Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George,   
Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps,   
Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny! I bet the marauders made it."   
"No duh."   
  
A/N: Wow! The end… of this chapter ::evil laughter::. It's not our fault   
we're insane, really! I swear, we were dropped on our heads when we were   
babies. If you haven't noticed, we modeled Fred after Abby, Weasley Twinette   
#1 (twisted but intelligent) and George after Dragonwings, Weasley Twinette   
#2 (twisted but…er…extremely twisted). Hehe! Many realizations were made   
during this chapter, especially that Dragonwings can not put Abby's hair into   
a ponytail, Abby really CAN explode (Abby-kabobs!) and that Bertie Bott's   
Every Flavor beans do have a sardine flavour.   
  
Disclaimer: Um, wow… we don't own any of the characters, JKR does. Warner   
Brothers owns some of the stuff too. We don't own Moste Potente Potions, a   
six-pack (although Dragonwings did at one time, gee, wonder what happened to   
it), or pretty much anything else. We are proud owners of the Hidden   
Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The   
Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and   
Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny. Yay, we own   
something! Please R/R.   



	3. Chapter Tres, (Three!)

Potions, Poems and Present-Day Problems Part Tres (Three)   
Subtitled: Bless Our Father and Hail Mary

****************************************************************************************************************

A/N: Good lord, what have we done?!? We don't know, exactly. However, this is part is insane, of course… you already knew that, didn't you? We're very happy if you're actually reading this thing. In fact, I think I'll quote some more Bon Jovi: 

I'm gonna hold you   
Till your hurt is gone   
Be the shoulder   
That you're leaning on   
I'll be standing here   
For the next 100 years   
If it all should end tonight   
I'll know it was worth the fight   
And we'll be standing here   
For the next 100 years 

-The Next 100 Years, Bon Jovi 

Let us begin the fic… and the insanity! 

*****************************************************************************  
  
Where we left off last time: "Wow…" George breathed. "It's the Hidden   
Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The   
Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and   
Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny! I bet the   
marauders made it."   
"No duh." Fred said. 

***************************************************************************************************************  
  
George pulled the brick out of the wall and exposed The Hidden Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Derstiny. Inside,   
they found many odd things. Namely, a large cauldron, enough pizza to feed   
both the American and British armies, several different types of spoons, a   
mound of chocolate, a refrigerator full of 6-packs, and shelves of potion supplies.   
"We didn't have to steal Snape's stuff after all! Everything we need is   
right here!" Fred said. "Not that! Put that down! We need to work on the potion!"   
"Go right ahead. I have some 'inspecting' to do. Mainly the inspection of what sugar does to the brain, heehee."   
"Get over here and help me! This is the Hidden Passageway Concealed   
Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred,   
George, Harry, Hermione and Ron Would Someday Find and Follow in Their   
Footsteps, Then Discover Their Ultimate Destiny, not the Hidden Passageway   
Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose Brick Created By The Marauders That Was Made Entirely for Drinking Beer and Eating Sugar! Now help me   
with this!"   
"Fine," George grumbled as he put down a box of pizza and started   
reading Moste Potente Potions.   
"Here it is, 'Deed-Be-Gone'! Note, does not work on serious cases such as death, birth, the loss of limbs, or cussing out your mum. First, add seven   
grams of plimpy hairs…"   
It took them until 10:00 PM to finish it and it came out looking like window   
cleaner. They put it in a spray bottle, then spelled it to hold the entire   
cauldron-full.   
"Shall we try it out?" George said anxiously as he wrung his hands.   
"I… I guess. Here, what's something we would want to undo? Hmm…"   
Apparently George already knew something that would be good to undo. He put   
his arms around his brother's waist and kissed him smack on the lips. 

"Bleeargh!" Yelled Fred. "What did you think you   
were doing?" George hurriedly sprayed the deed-be-gone on Fred. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear brother…" Fred said, immediately forgetting. "Why was I yelling at you?"   
"Let me put it this way," George grinned, "the deed-be-gone works."   
"Oh. Well, I guess if you say it works, although I certainly don't   
remember you testing it, then we should use it on Snape." Fred whispered.   
"But how are we going to get to him and use the spray?" George inquired.   
"I have a feeling that Snape is still looking for us, and he should be   
running by our Hidden Passageway Concealed Within Hogwarts Behind a Loose   
Brick Created By The Marauders That Fred, George, Harry, Hermione and Ron   
Would Someday Find and Follow in Their Footsteps, Then Discover Their   
Ultimate Destiny right about… NOW!" Fred yanked the bottle of deed-be-gone   
from George's hands, pulled the secret brick from the wall, and gave the   
handle a good squeeze. In one quick squirt, the bluish potion hit something   
solid... Snape. 

Fred stepped back, still grasping the bottle and out of breath.   
George thought quickly (for once) and slammed the brick back in the hole.   
"Whew!" They exhaled exhaustedly.   
"Fred, we'd better head back to the common room. After all, tomorrow is   
Sunday, and seeing as you got us into that mess with Flitwick and the hail   
Mary's, we're supposed to go to church with him tomorrow morning."   
"YOU TOLD HIM WE'D GO?" Fred yelled.   
"Well, yeah." George said. "I didn't want to seem evil and anti-religion."   
"Bless our father." Fred muttered.   
  
The next morning, Fred and George put on their best dress robes and   
headed to see Flitwick.   
"Are you sure we have to do this?" Fred whined as he tugged on his bow   
tie.   
"Yes, we do."   
"Even Sunday School?"   
"Yes, even Sunday School. Don't worry, it will only be about an hour or   
two out of our life and it's the only time we have to go. Mum and dad don't   
make us go normally. All we have to do is suffer for a little while, then we're in the clear."   
"Can't we use the Deed-Be-Gone on Flitwick?"   
"No, we need to save it for emergencies. Besides, church can't be that   
bad."   
It was. 

During Sunday School, the youth pastor was just as boring as   
Binns and twice as loud and Hagrid on a rampage. He droned on and on about   
things while George slept. Fred tried to listen, but he was too busy staring   
at Lavender.   
"Gregorius! Awaken lest the Lord's wrath fall upon ye!" the youth pastor   
bellowed when his hawk eyes spotted George. The poor boy awoke with a start…   
"Bras! No, the answer is twelve! Mt Rushmore! Uh, Funituculus charms! I   
didn't do it!" George shouted as he woke up quite startled. The class   
giggled, but the youth pastor was livid. 

"Gregorius! You are to stay after church and aid in the disinfecting and   
cleansing of thine linoleum walking surfaces in the name of the Lord God   
Almighty!"   
"Humph." George scowled at the little man teaching his class. "I'm   
seventeen, I don't need this." He set down his Bible and walked straight out   
of the church. 

This startled Fred, who realized that if he didn't use the deed-be-gone now, something would be growing on he and George's faces, most likely pink octopus tentacles, severe green acne, or bubotuber pus, and it would be inflicted by a rather nasty charm from the youth pastor, who already had his wand raised. Fred reached for the bottle which he had hidden under his row of the pews and sprayed the whole class. He ran out the door just in time to hear everyone say, "How did Fred and George Weasley get in here?"   
He joined George outside of the church, and they were both gasping for   
breath (again). "Please forgive me Father, I have sinned," Said George   
somberly, before erupting in a fit of unmanly giggles. 

They bolted back to their dorms, still laughing. Fred laughed so hard that he cried, and he had to spray the deed-be-gone everywhere he went, so the people passing by would not remember seeing the insane duo. They rounded one last corner before the Gryffindor common room, and Fred would have continued his spraying, except for one small problem… Dumbledore was standing right in front of them, and it wouldn't be a good idea to use their potion here.   
"So, boys, did you have fun at church?" Dumbledore obviously did not   
expect an answer to this question, as he continued. "Mr. Weasley, Mr.   
Weasley," he did his traditional nod to each of them before carrying on his   
conversation, "it has come to my attention that you have been using excessive   
amounts of deed-be-gone…" Dumbledore's eyes sparkled as he said this, but   
then dimmed. "Deed-be-gone is a third degree inhalant, that's one degree away   
from being the worst, if you didn't know… and it can get you sent to Azkaban.   
I don't believe you've been inhaling this…potion… but you still need to be   
sent to Madame Pomfrey's for cleansing. Please head to her office and strip   
yourselves of all clothing for inspection. Standard procedure." With this,   
Dumbledore turned around and left, his dark purple cloak swirling and   
swishing on the ground behind him.   
Fred and George groaned collectively before heading reluctantly and   
faithfully to the nurse's office. They certainly didn't want to die of sniffing deed-be-gone.   
"I don't know about you, Fred, but that old bat has to be at least   
eighty, and frankly, I don't think we should go!"  
"I agree, brother dearest, but there is nothing we can do. Let us head   
towards the hospital wing. You can always move your hands around."  
"Great." George sighed. "Why do you always have to look on the bright   
side?"   
"Because." This seemed to be good enough reason for both of them and they continued their regretful walk.   
All too quickly, they arrived at the hospital ward and were greeted a   
little too cheerfully for their liking by a toothless old bat by the name of   
Madame Poppy Pomfrey. Far from her usual self, she was grinning happily, and   
romantic opera music was playing suspiciously in the background. Candles were   
lit all around the hospital wing, and pink and red butterflies were flitting   
about the area.   
"Take your clothes off, boys, we've got some inspecting to do." She   
cackled insanely, making the twins cringe. They exchanged worried glances   
before stripping down. 

---------------Let Us Close a Curtain of Courtesy Around this Scene------------ 

  
They both came out shaking and swearing they would never sniff anything   
as long as they possibly lived.   
"I'd rather die than go through that again," George whimpered as they   
headed to the Gryffindor common room.   
"Be careful for what you wish for…"   
"Fred, don't say things like that," George replied.   
"I didn't say anything. I thought that was you talking to yourself   
again!" Fred exclaimed, a bit worried.   
"Of course he didn't say that. I did," a mysterious voice came from the   
shadows.   
"Who's there?"   
"And please don't say we have to strip for the nurse again…"   
Two boys stepped out from the shadows. They both had long red hair that   
hung in ponytails behind their pale freckled faces. They wore robes that   
looked like they were from the sixteenth century and both had a fencing sword   
at their sides. Both boys were an exact copy of the other one.   
"You will not have to strip for that old hag again, although I must say   
she rather enjoyed it…" the first boy said.   
"Allow us to introduce ourselves. I am Frances and this is my twin   
brother, Gregorius." Frances bowed deeply.   
"Hey!" George exclaimed, "That's what that decrepit Sunday School teacher called me!"   
"So, he still remembers the time I fell asleep in his class while dear   
Frances was staring at Violet." Gregorius remembered this well, everyone   
could tell.   
"Hey, Fred, weren't you eyeing Lavender this morning?" George   
"Yes, he was. Just like we used to. We have simply come to tell you that   
you have achieved you 1,000,000,000th punishment. We are proud that some one like you two were able to find our book. You are Fred and George Weasley,   
aren't you?" Frances wondered thoughtfully.   
"Yes, and you are Slytherins, I presume?" Gregorius inquired interestedly.   
"No." Said George.   
"Yes." Fred replied.   
"No, we are Fred and George." George whispered.   
Fred answered, "Yes, we aren't Slytherins."   
"Or is it yes, we are Fred and George and no, we aren't Slytherins…" George questioned, quite confused about their present state.   
"You're not Slytherins?" Gregorius and Frances nearly yelled this   
question, both surprised and remorseful. Everyone was apparently very   
confused about all that had been happening. The palms of their hands were   
sweaty with nervousness and their faces were all very red. No one could tell   
whether they had fever or were simply scared half to death, and it really   
didn't matter, because the twins standing before Fred and George were already dead, and they couldn't get any deader.   
"Let me start again." Frances said. "I am Frances Weasley, and this is my   
twin brother Gregorius. We are pleased that you found our book, as it was a   
labor of much hard work and love of potions. I trust that you like potions?"   
He asked.   
"Not very much." Said George, completely astonished. However, Fred was not as easily worried.   
"Oh, I knew that." Fred said disconcertedly. "You looked like you were   
related to us. So, why are you here, anyway, O great ancestors?"   
"We came to congratulate you on your 1,000,000,000th punishment. Long   
ago, we put a curse on Moste Potente Potions so that when just the right   
descendants came along… a pair of twins with the last name Weasley, who were   
cunning and humored and who had had 1,000,000,000 punishments… then we would be able to come back and greet them for a short time. You see,   
we had 1,000,000,000 detentions under our belts when we died. We were brewing a deed-be-gone potion when there was a freak accident, and we inhaled just a little too much of it. But apparently, something has gone wrong. If you're   
not Slytherins, then I would wager you two are Gryffindors. Am I not right?"   
Gregorius said sternly.   
"Yes, you would be correct." Fred gulped.   
"Well, we were looking for two Slytherins, but I suppose you boys will   
have to do. We have a gift for you that we must hand over right now. We do   
not have time to explain, I'm sorry, but our time is rapidly ceasing. Good to   
meet you, descendants. We are honored that two twins finally came along in   
the Weasley family with such strange minds as yours. Congratulations, my   
dears." Frances' face was streaked with tears.   
"Come, Frances, it is time we were properly laid to rest. I will give   
them the package." He stooped low to the ground and carefully placed a limp   
package wrapped in ancient parchment before the present-day twins' feet.   
"Take good care of it, you hear?" He asked. "It is very important, and will   
aid your travels greatly. Let the name of insanity, mischief, and the   
Crusaders (that's us!) live on in the years to come, passed down through the   
quirks of generation to generation. Do not cry for us, twins, for it is our   
time to go. We have waited long for this moment, and now we will finally…be   
given… a proper..." but no more words would ever escape the mouths of the old   
Weasley twins, as a cackle of insane laughter swept the hallway. Suddenly,   
the two sixteenth century figures had disappeared, and Fred and George found   
their humble faces wet with tears.   
Fred bent over to retrieve the parcel, untied the crimson, green, silver   
and gold ribbons around it, and let it unroll. Fred and George read aloud,   
their voices joined together at last in insane harmony.   
"Mssrs. Frances and Gregorius Weasley are proud to present the Crusader's Map, visible only to the emotionally unstable, insane and strange." These calligraphic words flew daintily across the parchment, and then revealed a   
map, a complete map of what else but... _the church_. 

********************************************************************************************

  
Final A/N: Aww… how sad! We enjoyed writing that. 

  
Dragonwings: Don't cry for them, Abby. They were dead anyway. 

Abby: Oh. 

We also hoped you enjoyed reading it, for amongst all that insanity and   
strangeness, there was lots of hard work entwined. Please review, as this is   
the last chapter of our fic. 

Disclaimer: We don't own the original HP characters. JKR does. We do own   
Gregorius and Frances Weasley, the Crusader's Map, everything odd and strange you find in here, and ourselves. Thank you again for reading and reviewing, and may insanity live forever! 

**__**

THE UND! (END)   
Or is it…? 


End file.
